Killing Me Softly?

Why can't I get what I want? Why Im the last to know everything? Why am I the first to know things I dont want to know? Why am I still sad? Why am I still angry? Why can't you leave me alone? Why did I wake up today? Why do I breathe? How do I breathe? Why am I still listening to The Fugees lol? Why do I try and keep in touch with people who are in there own world now? Why do I turn off my phone every night around nine and lay in bed with all my thoughts? Why do people call me only to annoy me? Why can't I be a musician already? Who will ever hear me sing for real? Who will ever hear my songs? Where will I be in 10 years? Will I still befriend all the same people? Will I still be haunted by "there" ghosts? Will I ever fall in love? Will I die soon? Will someone put me out of my misery? Will I make it to 21? Do I want to make it to 21? Why so many unanswered questions?

Benevolence

What has this world come to? We are living as caged animals in a zoo Pacing the floor and feeling confined Wondering, Is it safe to go outside ? Seclusion is not the way to hide Do something beneficial for mankind Why are people being so cruel? These narcissisic performances are of a fool Ruthless foolish acts of a cowardly soul Filled with hard-heartedness, think they're in control Infrequency of love and respect are so real Kindness is what a human heart should never conceal A transformation of kindness for this world must succeed So the insane numbness of the cowardly will concede Restoration of instilled morals must come to pass If not, rational mankind will not last We have the choice of being cruel or kind Benevolence is what I choose to benefit and restore mankind


By Catherine R. Misenheimer


I love this poem. Truly a work of art.

"These Walls"

Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away. Seriously dude they did. So happy I got out of this house with so many unwanted memories, and boredom. Met up with everyone at the living room. Which turns ut is a pretty cool place with dim lights and candles, and everyones focus is on the musician. Its like everyone is in a trance. Awesome place and so hope to be back there soon. Maybe evn performing myself with Awilda. Met Teddy Geiger as you can see (Awesome guy, even more awesome for playing "These Walls", that song got me through some hard nights believe it or not) Amazing musician, with amazing people. I swear I felt inspired I came home and started singing, since all the places where I used to go to release everything pretty much sucks now. Hopefully one day I can write some awesome music that I can sing to people one day, Til then Im still broke living in Jamaica Queens, struggling like everyone else now. But hey If Fifty-Cent can do it, why not me?

At Last

Fist off I must congratulate Barack Obama!!!!!!!!!! Hes our new president, I know hell do the best he can as our new president. Lord knoes Its going to be hard for him to fix all of Bushs mistakes, but as long as we all give him a chance, and stand by him hell be the best president. I just finished watching The Obamas dance to "At Last" by beyonce on channel seven. It was so beautiful, I cried. You can tell the love between them is so genuine and real. Its the kind of love that we all want to find out there. Im so happy they found it in each other. They look beautiful together, and maybe one day Ill find someone special like that. God bless The Obamas. Now Im going to continue watching the rest of the show, peace <3

Whose Going To Catch Me When I Fall?

Atiya

Today didn't go as planned, but It went even better. I hung out with an old friend, like I was supposed to anyways, but cancelled because I was supposed to go to karaoke. Karaoke isnt the same for me, I wasnt in the mood to go, plus I realized I was dead broke, so I was pretty okay with it not working out. I had a pretty relaxing day, I was distracted, so I wasnt thinking too much. No constant reminder of what I dont have, instead I was thankful for the things I do have in my life. Hanging out with this chick was interesting/breezy. Still feels like were at different points in our life, but happy we can get back to being somewhat close like before. Shes a completely different girl, in alot of ways better, and so am I?. Im not the same person I used to be. Alot has happened that has changed me for better or for worse? Im not too sure yet. Anyways going to eat, listen to some more bloc party( forgot how kick ass this band is and wants to go to there concert) then watch the brave one. Always heard good things about that movie, well see If its true.

"A Hard Days Night"

Woke up this morning, upset that i was still breathing. Then realized I shouldnt be upset at that. I had a purpose, to wish my best friend a happy birthday. Hope she has a kick ass birthday. So sorry Ive been distant for the last couple of days, Ive just been in my own world. Needed sometime to regroup, and get back on track, focus on what I need to focus on. Around 10 arrived at work...worked to damn hard for minimum wage, went out to eat with my friend, talked about how dumb guys are, went home, came online to upload Katy Perrys Thinking Of You video (Im so not) on my zune, tried to go to sleep but couldnt got an unexpected call from an old friend again, and now Im online trying to tell you all about my hard days night. OH and i left out the most important thing thats been in my head all night....I want to be in the music business already.

"[Climbing] Up The [Walls]?"

I did something that I know Im not going to regret. I deleted my myspace. I was sick and tired of all the drama, and shit it brought into my life. Supposedly its a place for a friends, but what it really is, is a place for friendships to end, for people to talk shit, instead of saying it to your face, a place for everyone to pretend, a place of lies. Some say Ill put another one back up, but I highly.. HIGHLY, doubt that! Im through with myspace, Its apart of my past, and I really dont want to look back at it. If i put another one back up, Ill be looking to be hurt again, and I dont want to hurt anymore. Today was a very boring day, it consisted of me waking up watching a bunch of movies, eating like the fat ass I am, talking on the phone, listening to music, and sleeping. Im so through with being bored. I tend to think alot, about stuff, and It sucks. Alot of my friends say I should be more "outgoing". First off Im not an outgoing person, and I never have been. Secondly the point in my life when I tried to be outgoing I got hurt. So Id rather wollow in my pity than put myself back out there...at least for now.

"Friends Til The End"?

These past couple of days have been so weird. Ive been trying to get back to the person I used to be, before everything that has happen this year. I lost alot, but It seems that Ive been gaining alot as well. Ive recently been talking to my ex-best friend alot. I mean so much, Its freaking me out. I just got off the phone with her, and we were talking about everything, that we missed out on in each others life. The last time I saw her, and hung out with her was in 2006. We drifted mostly because It seemed she didnt have time for me. She was an entirely different person then, and It seems that shes trying to be different now. Weve been talking for the last couple of days over the phone. I find it so weird that I started talking to her, right after me and my other friend stopped talking. Its almost as if this was how it was supposed to be. You gain things, just around time when you lose things as well. Im supposed to hang out with her and her friends on friday at Ihop. Well see how that goes. Im so scared to open myself up to this again. We were so close once before, and It hurt when we drifted, I dont want that to happen again. She keeps saying she doesnt either, and that we cant ever drift apart again, and how she got me back in her life and she doesnt want to lose me ever again. I dont know what to think. Im not going to think too much about it, just going to let nature run its course and see where everything goes from here. Life is strange.

"Closer"

So Im completely obsessed with Kings Of Leon. Ive been listening to there album all morning. I absolutely love "Use Somebody", and "Closer". I want there damn album, but Im so broke, its ridiculous. I have money but I cant afford to buy there album. :(, so I downloaded it. I want there album though. Theres only a few people out there, I would actually go out and support. There newest album is so worth buying. Never was a huge fan of them, but this album changed my whole outlook. Im going to listen to this album all day.

Zombie

Its been about six months since Ive spoken to my ex-friend, and on this saturday It will make a month since Ive been broken up with my ex. Ive been dealing with all of this in my own way, and in alot of ways its has been helping. Ive been surrounding myself with friends and family, going out, trying different things etc. Im even supposed to hang out with this guy I like on wednesday, but sadly I dont see him as another interest, only a close friend. Maybe its because Its only been a month, and Im still not completely over my ex, and the whole drama Ive been through for these last six months. Its so hard to talk to people about it. Even the people Im the closest too, I cant seem to really talk about it with them. Theyre all like get over it, move on, and you can do so much better. I mean I know theyre trying to help me out, and the truth is I know I can do better for myself, but they still dont understand. I was looking in my old journal the other day, and when I saw the things I used to write I was shocked. I talked about killing myself, praying I would die in my sleep, and how I hate who Im becoming, and I hate the people that are supposedly my friends. I was such an agry girl back then, who felt like she was losing everything that meant so much to her. This was around the time me and my best friend stopped talking, and I was having serious self-esteem issues. I dont want to go back to being like that, but as the days go by, I dont feel like Im healing I feel like Im getting worse. Time is supposed to heal, but what its really doing is bringing back apart of myself I thought died in the past. I wish I could talk to people about this, I mean REALLY..how Im feeling every night. but I cant. I was watching P.S. I love you, and there was this scene that brought so many tears to my eyes. It was right after she left that restaurant with that guy who liked her, and she ran to her mother and started pouring her heart out about how friends and family are here, but at the end of the day, Its just her, and she has to deal with everything on her own. I could relate to that scene so much because you can be surrounded with lifes pleasures, but at the end of the day whos going to hold you? whos going to wipe away your tears?. I have no one to do this for me. Alot of people in my life have this and Im happy for them. Its different for me. I know in life everyone has to experience heartache, and I guess you can say Im still dealing with it, but Its so hard to just erase them all from my mind. Theres so much history, music, movies, spots, foods, we all shared. Getting over all of that will take alot of time. I wake up wanting to go back to bed, because this all feels like a bad dream, but then I realize it isnt. This is life, and Im wandering it as a zombie.

Fade To Black

According to some people Ive recently found out im a backstabber, dumb, slut. When I first read this I was shocked, I mean we all know Im no slut. Ive only been one guy in my life, and to put him on blast it wasnt even good. If thats what sex was then I can wait until my next male encounter. How can you call me a slut, and you know nothing about me, or my history?? On top of that online! Ive moved on, why cant they. My mom is een get pissed off now, shes upset that im going through something like this now. I cant stand people, and I hope this new year brings change. I want this to be the case, but I have a feeling what its going to bring is more tears, and assholes....future assholes and past ones.