Wedding Bells??...Not me!

Im off tomorow to go to a wedding. Im kind of excited to go. Ive never been to one before and I dont know what it is about them that I love so much. Everyone I talk to about them are like its just a wedding there not that big of a deal. To me they are, although alot of people dont take them seriously anymore and half of them will probably end up in divorce (like my parents ). Theres still something magical about weddings. Guess I sound like a real loser but whatever. Hopefully I have a good time and start to tear up. Oh btw, Its my cousin whose getting married. Lets see how it goes.

Why is it that I let myself cry over things that shouldnt hold any kind of significance to me?. I let certain people get somewhat close to me and then I always end up getting hurt for it, in the bitter end. Then Im the mean or cold one. When all I did was give myself completely to someone and then they take it and throw it away as if it meant nothing to them. Life is too short to be sad over trivial things and people. I wish I could go back in time and do alot of things differently. Maybe I wouldnt be as fucked up as I am now. Then again I wouldnt of experienced so many things and be more aware of my surroundings. I wouldnt of learned how people can be. Sucks that this is only the beginning. Theres more assholes and bitches to come across.

Here comes the rooster

Just finished watching my new addiction-True Blood- Its actually a pretty good show despite what I used to say about it. I guess I never really gave it a chance like I dont with alot of things. God I feel so fucked up in the head. I dont know whats good or bad. I dont know what I want, or If its something that I should want. Im confused and dont know what to do with myself. I guess I should just live as if I'll die tomorrow. Thats all you can do right? Live each day as if its your last. Experience as much as you can, and have no regrets. I guess I dont have any regrets. Just many lessons I thought I learned. See what I mean Im all screwed up. The only things that make sense in my life now is school work and the people I surround myself with which are my friends and family. The only thing that keeps me going on is the thought that I have this feeling that theres something more for me in the future. I dont want to sound like a bitch or anything but I feel like I dont know how special I am and the purpose I serve. If that makes any sense. I just think Im too much of this interesting person to sit in my house on the computer all the time and listen to music. I shuld be out there doing something with music or whatever. Thats why whenever I get the chance Im going to search my hardest for some more internships or anything to break into the business. Ive been working way to many days and havent had enough time to do anything for me really. I dont put alot of faith in myself, mostly because I had alot of thing happen to me to make me lose all hope and faith in myself. I know I deserve better in my life with a career and person. Just scared to see what the future actually holds for me.

Ok. So i got this call from someone very unexpected. This guy I was messing around with a while back because of my friend Moe, well his brother gave me a call. And not the brother I know. The other one. What the FUCK! Obviously I havent called your brother because i lost interest and Im guessing he did the same thing. So why am I still being harassed lol. His brother calls me saying oh I would love to meet you my brother says youre an interesting person and you look interesting. Ummmm no. anyone who says I LOOK interesting like that isnt someone who I need to meet. I honestly think I need to stay away from the opposite sex for a while. Just find myself and do a whole lot of soul searching. Guys have just dissapointed me lately and I dont need that right now. Good things come to those who wait. Im a firm believer in that saying so Ill just wait. Ive been running around like a chicken without her head looking for that person in the wrong person and I forgot what I always wanted and my needs. I think the reason Im all like this is because I had a boyfriend and I was used to that comfort. completely forgetting that I can have my own form of comfort without a guy. I did it for so long and theres nothing wrong with going back to that. When you get so wrapped up in a guy I think you forget what you need and whats important for you. You start thinking about them and what they want and dont put yourself first. Its your life and you should always come first. We shouldnt care if they dont cal or text or whatever were young and thats not the most important thing now. Live YOUR life. I think we sometimes forget that saying... I know I do.

"After The Hurricane"

JS- Truly an amazing a singer. Words cannot express how much I love this woman. Her music is deep and real and I can connect to alot of songs off of her album. I love singers like this. Every once in a while we get singers who can touch us but we dont shed to much light onto them because we already have singers who were so used to. Like Beyonce or Rhianna and Ashanti. Im not saying I hate there music but I like music that I can relate too and it has a hidden message behind it. And you can tell the singer is singing with all of there soul in it. I love that. People like her make me wanna really sing. Love You Jasmine Sullivan. If you havent heard her musc yet please download now. Especially......



1. After The Hurricane
2. Switch
3. Fear.

Dirty Diana/Give Into Me

I cant believe Michael Jackson is gone. Ive been listening to his music all day today and yesterday. Up as my title are my two favorite songs by him. He was truly a legend and despite all of the drama and things that he went through he was an amazing performer and I know he will be missed terribly. R.I.P Michael, your in a better place now.


Today was so dull I swear I decided to make moves out of this damn house since I didnt go anywhere the day before. I hate being home sometimes. I feel like I have no damn life and I should be outside at least taking a walk in the city somewhere. Ugh. Need more of a life. all ive been doing is working and jus chillen around where I live with people. Its getting old. Ive always done this. I want something new and different. Meet new people and try new things. I went to a party last week, my friend Rachel invited me but when I got there she had to leave I was so confused I swear. Party was ok people were cool I guess and I did get a little tipsy, unfortunately.

I went to the city today to pamper myself before my birthday. Which is on sunday yaaaay. not. Im not in the mood to celebrate my birthday but I cant tell anyone that. All of my friends are like lets go out and eat or something. If i do go out I wnat it to be a small gropu of my close friends but I cant do that seeing as mad people wanna go somewhere different. Hmmmmm what to do. I also visited my aunt. Just stopped by to see how she was feeling. Last I heard shes not doing to well, she has a pacemaker now so shes not like she was before. Now she has to take it easy.

Oh did I forgt to mention how fed up I am with certain things and people. I wish things were like they were before....sigh.

Unstoppable

Back to blogging about god know what. Ive been so preoccupied these past couple of days its crazy. First off I went to my SANTIGOLD!!!!! show with my Eboner n Lynette (i think i spelled her name right, sorry if I didnt) It was awesome, except for the time I was being pushed when creator came on. I was so pissed the song I was waiting to record on my camera was ruined. Assholes. Anyway it was still a kick ass show, next one Im thinking about going to is Kid Cudi n Asher Roth. Im actually really going to see Asher Baby!!! lol Kid Cudi eh is okay but Ashers way better. Gotta get those tickets, its so sad to say my only excitiement is shows I swear I need more of a life. Im so tired of being home. I mean Im not home as much as I used to be but still Im bored with where I live and the people lol. I want to go out like all the damn time. My mom got mad when I stood out til like 4 in three days in a row, but I dont care because I have nothing better to do except hang and do nothing. That made no damn sense. Whaterver. I also need to be dating, non psychos. That fuckin weirdo from my skool keeps callin me, ugh he cant take a damn hint. Askin me a million questions and like Oh i really like you and we should hang. Nope Im tired of settiling for less I deserve way better, and Im not settling. Even if I have to wait. Ill be waiting for someone I fuckin want and lust deeply for, hopefully that wont be to damn long. Ugh lemme get my ass to bed for fuckin work...hat tht shit.

Did I forget to mention what today is........

Santigold!!!!!!!! 7pm @ Terminal 5

Say Whats Real

I recently jus signed into my facebook after a lonnnnnggggg hiatus due to wrking as a slave at pay/half and sleepin lol. I dont even know how or what the hell to write. Lets just say I got a blast from my past. A hug past. So remember that best friend I had who completely stopped talking to me because I dated her brother. Well she contacted me. WTF?? She wants to discuss past events and put the past behind us and shes sorry and blah blah blah. I didnt repsond and Im not going to until i know what to write. I know a huge part of me is like screw her she screwed up this friendship and theres no getting back to the way things were. However I have changed alot and Im not bitter and angry as much as I was before. I dont have to hate anyone. Whats done is done, and theres no need to be caddy like Im ten years old, or like her. Im a mature person and I always have been. I dont know Im still a litlle confused. I dont know what Im going to do, or say. Who knows if Im even going to respond. Its been a while though and she really did hurt me and destroy a solid friendship. and plus a huge part of me knew she would do this because thats how she is and I deleted my myspace for alot of reasons but one was so I would never see her again. ahhhhhh. sigh time will tell all......

6 more days til my SANTIGOLD!!!!!