Zombie

Its been about six months since Ive spoken to my ex-friend, and on this saturday It will make a month since Ive been broken up with my ex. Ive been dealing with all of this in my own way, and in alot of ways its has been helping. Ive been surrounding myself with friends and family, going out, trying different things etc. Im even supposed to hang out with this guy I like on wednesday, but sadly I dont see him as another interest, only a close friend. Maybe its because Its only been a month, and Im still not completely over my ex, and the whole drama Ive been through for these last six months. Its so hard to talk to people about it. Even the people Im the closest too, I cant seem to really talk about it with them. Theyre all like get over it, move on, and you can do so much better. I mean I know theyre trying to help me out, and the truth is I know I can do better for myself, but they still dont understand. I was looking in my old journal the other day, and when I saw the things I used to write I was shocked. I talked about killing myself, praying I would die in my sleep, and how I hate who Im becoming, and I hate the people that are supposedly my friends. I was such an agry girl back then, who felt like she was losing everything that meant so much to her. This was around the time me and my best friend stopped talking, and I was having serious self-esteem issues. I dont want to go back to being like that, but as the days go by, I dont feel like Im healing I feel like Im getting worse. Time is supposed to heal, but what its really doing is bringing back apart of myself I thought died in the past. I wish I could talk to people about this, I mean REALLY..how Im feeling every night. but I cant. I was watching P.S. I love you, and there was this scene that brought so many tears to my eyes. It was right after she left that restaurant with that guy who liked her, and she ran to her mother and started pouring her heart out about how friends and family are here, but at the end of the day, Its just her, and she has to deal with everything on her own. I could relate to that scene so much because you can be surrounded with lifes pleasures, but at the end of the day whos going to hold you? whos going to wipe away your tears?. I have no one to do this for me. Alot of people in my life have this and Im happy for them. Its different for me. I know in life everyone has to experience heartache, and I guess you can say Im still dealing with it, but Its so hard to just erase them all from my mind. Theres so much history, music, movies, spots, foods, we all shared. Getting over all of that will take alot of time. I wake up wanting to go back to bed, because this all feels like a bad dream, but then I realize it isnt. This is life, and Im wandering it as a zombie.